Author Archives: loup

fatherless child

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My dad was not my father. It didn’t matter to him or to me that we were not bound by genetics. He did all of the things that the man I thought was my biological father couldn’t or wouldn’t. All of my life I had questions about my father. There was a man that everyone told me was my father,… Read more »


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I suppose being normal is overrated anyway. Or maybe that is just something abnormal people say to make themselves feel better about not being normal. I don’t feel normal. Some of the time I just don’t think about how far away from the herd I am and I just live day to day and then there are times that it… Read more »

party of one

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I picked up “Party of One: A Loners’ Manifesto” at the library this week by Anneli Rufus. It is very interesting and I never considered myself a “loner” before. I just hate people. I am only a few pages into this adventure and already I am beginning to believe I have been a loner all along. I don’t like crowds… Read more »

buckeye bound

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I woke up this morning from a nasty nightmare. One of those all alone and you know it sort of feelings. I literally woke up screaming — I have gotten used to the nightmares over the years and most of the time I just brush them off and go back to sleep. It has been a long time since I… Read more »

Missing Mom

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My mom died 5 February 2002. Time has passed and some wounds have healed, some have just gone numb. Getting on with life has gotten a little easier, but last night for the first time in a long time I really missed her. I missed her so much I couldn’t sleep. My mom and I had this weird relationship. When… Read more »

Does Life Suck?

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I recently read in some dark corner of the internet that the only reason one would keep an online journal would be to complain about the hell that is their life. I don’t know that I believe that. My life isn’t all that bad. If you stand back and look at it my life is actually kind of nice. I… Read more »


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If I ever write a book about my family I am going to call it “Two Tanks of Gas and a Handful of Xanax” – because that is what you need to get through a weekend with them. It isn’t that I despise the whole family thing – just a few of them. They seem to make the visits stressful… Read more »


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A friend of mine called today. Her grandfather was told he has lung cancer, they have basically sent him home to die. She is heading out in a few days to see him. It is going to be hard on her I am sure. Just talking to her brings back a rush of memories. Some of them good, some of… Read more »

getting started

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I thought having this set up would inspire me to write more. So far it hasn’t — the rants and thoughts and ideas are still trapped the dark maze that is my brain. I was standing in the shower this evening, for the second time today — damn this sweaty weather — thinking. I think about everything in the shower…. Read more »


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Today is my dad’s 60th birthday. A few years ago my mom and I talked about throwing him a big party. We were going to go all out for it. It isn’t every day your dad turns 60 after all right? I sure do miss him. I have been thinking about mom and dad a lot this week. I don’t… Read more »