fatherless child

loup
2 January 2004

My dad was not my father. It didn’t matter to him or to me that we were
not bound by genetics. He did all of the things that the man I thought
was my biological father couldn’t or wouldn’t. All of my life I had
questions about my father. There was a man that everyone told me was my
father, there was a family — grandparents, cousins — everything. I
always had my doubts. I never fit in, I didn’t like them, they didn’t
like me .. whatever reasons I felt strange around them. I didn’t feel
like family. I asked my mother countless times about it and she never
really answered my questions just sort of danced around it.
A few months ago I made a remark to an aunt of mine that I didn’t think
that the man they called my father was my actual father — I have made
comments about it before but this time someone said “You know, I have
had my doubts as well.” WHAT — you mean I could be onto something
here?
Thanksgiving I found out that quite a few people had their doubts.
People that were there before I was born, facts about my parents
divorce / seperation. I found out that it is quite possible that I am
not related at all to the family I thought I was. This evening I spoke
with my cousin and she gave me some more information. While it is
exciting to think that I may have been right all of this time, and I am
not related to the Springer show that I thought was my family. I am a
little nervous. Do I want to know? What if they are wrong and I get my
hopes up and I am related to those people? Does my wanting to know make
my relationship with my dad worth less? I am full of questions and only
leads with no answers. I know I have to just look inside. I know that
family has NOTHING to do with DNA — I know that Thomas Gibbs was my
dad without question and I know that my choice in not acknowledging the
other family has more to do with who I am than and genetics testing. I
know this… but I still feel strange. I need to take a day — walk in
the woods and just think about it and ponder. Is it really worth
knowing. I guess if you believe something hard enough and want
something bad enough — then that is good enough. What would you do if
you didn’t know who your father was…. does it even matter.

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