fatherless child

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My dad was not my father. It didn’t matter to him or to me that we were
not bound by genetics. He did all of the things that the man I thought
was my biological father couldn’t or wouldn’t. All of my life I had
questions about my father. There was a man that everyone told me was my
father, there was a family — grandparents, cousins — everything. I
always had my doubts. I never fit in, I didn’t like them, they didn’t
like me .. whatever reasons I felt strange around them. I didn’t feel
like family. I asked my mother countless times about it and she never
really answered my questions just sort of danced around it.
A few months ago I made a remark to an aunt of mine that I didn’t think
that the man they called my father was my actual father — I have made
comments about it before but this time someone said “You know, I have
had my doubts as well.” WHAT — you mean I could be onto something
Thanksgiving I found out that quite a few people had their doubts.
People that were there before I was born, facts about my parents
divorce / seperation. I found out that it is quite possible that I am
not related at all to the family I thought I was. This evening I spoke
with my cousin and she gave me some more information. While it is
exciting to think that I may have been right all of this time, and I am
not related to the Springer show that I thought was my family. I am a
little nervous. Do I want to know? What if they are wrong and I get my
hopes up and I am related to those people? Does my wanting to know make
my relationship with my dad worth less? I am full of questions and only
leads with no answers. I know I have to just look inside. I know that
family has NOTHING to do with DNA — I know that Thomas Gibbs was my
dad without question and I know that my choice in not acknowledging the
other family has more to do with who I am than and genetics testing. I
know this… but I still feel strange. I need to take a day — walk in
the woods and just think about it and ponder. Is it really worth
knowing. I guess if you believe something hard enough and want
something bad enough — then that is good enough. What would you do if
you didn’t know who your father was…. does it even matter.