Computer Blue

loup
16 July 2018

I envy computers. You can delete a file completely. There is nothing left of the file so when you try to retrieve it – nothing – it does not exist. You won’t accidentally stumble upon the file, and thus ruining your day.

 

I wish I could cut memories out of my brain like a computer file. Just gone, nothing, zip, zilch, nada.

Stupid Holidays

loup
3 July 2018

The United States celebrates their independence from British rule like they just won that fight yesterday. It is a bit like some washed up high school quarterback thinking he is still the shit because of that winning touchdown 30 years ago.

‘murica

What if …

loup
12 April 2018

all of this time the story of the Devil and Hell got twisted around. What if Lucifer were not the evil one but the WARDEN of prison in which evil is contained? A favourite angel of the big G, so honest and good that he was chosen to protect the flock from all the nasty women, liberals and immigrants. Wouldn’t the good christians want to buy him a cup of coffee and a doughnut? Instead, they blame Mr Morningstar for our evil liberal ways.

Caffeinated

loup
1 March 2018

March is Caffeine Awareness Month. While the month is supposed to be dissecting the travesty that is CAFFEINE.

I get that you don’t want toddlers jacked up on energy drank! However, according to 23andme.com, I am likely to consume more caffeine than the majority of the population. I didn’t need genetic testing to know that, but hey: science is cool.

When I was a girl, my Aunt Mary taught me how to drink proper Irish tea – a potent brew with milk and sugar, these days I use erythritol or monk fruit to sweeten and heavy cream – because yanno FAT IS GOOD.

My goto morning cuppa is Republic of Tea’s HiCAF Breakfast blend. I don’t get jitters, and it is a lovely tasting tea with a whopping 110mg of caffeine.

I am sure some people consume too much for their system and needs. When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2005 after suffering most of life, I tried everything. I cut caffeine out – stepped down to as close to zero as I could get. It did not help. In fact, it made things worse. The lesson is – do what works for you.

Anyhow – enjoy the month and have a cuppa or four. =)

My Intrusive Thoughts.

loup
24 January 2018

Yesterday was a stressful fuck. First a dental cleaning – not a big deal in the scheme of things but I hate it none the less. After the cleaning, I was told that I needed a crown.

Three hours later I am having my right tit smushed in between two plates. Apparently, the mammogram I had the week prior has a spot they wanted to revisit.

So 3 more squishes then I am sent off to the ultrasound tech – 10 minutes of imaging the ill offending tit – then 20 minutes to see if the doc approves or needs more – another 10 minutes of goopy awkward massage – another 15 min wait then I am released.

Cancer, not cancer – nothing – something. Don’t know yet. But the intrusive thoughts are all over me today.

——

Yep, 45 is a nice age to die at. I can still say the majority of my life was fun and interesting. I am not 99 lying in a bug-infested urine caked bed – alone – waiting to die.

He is miserable – he would be better off. He doesn’t need me. He has a better time when I am away.
I would be doing him a favor – he could go be with someone or someones that make him happy. I don’t.

Life is unfair and you didn’t win the lotto but you know a good thing and you know when that good thing is over.

——

This is the kind of fucked up shit that ebbs and flows in my brain. All day every day. Sometimes I am able to shush them. I am able to count to 4 all day and drown out the noise. The thoughts. There are some that have clever names for their thoughts. You’ve seen the movies — the one who is only there for the anti-hero to see.

Mr. Brooks had Marshall
Elwood had Harvey
Dexter has his Dark Passenger
and of course, Dr. Jekyl had Mr. Hyde

*for another post – HOLLYWOOD: why do men with these problems get made into quaint men that you can have a drink or a laugh with – where are the women??

I have no cutesy name for my thoughts. I don’t see a person in a rearview mirror talking me into a bad decision or out of a good one. I am not sure if I should make an effort to see these thoughts as someone else. A bully, a fucking bully with the key to my brain.

Moments when I embrace the thoughts – then discard them because they are shitty ideas I feel powerful.
Moments when the best I can do is to continually count to 4 to talk OVER that shit well – those moments are just my life.
Moments when I sit and nod and think yeah it is time. I’ve caused enough pain to people I love and myself. I need to go … that is when I should write.