buckeye bound

loup
8 September 2003

I woke up this morning from a nasty nightmare. One of those all alone
and you know it sort of feelings. I literally woke up screaming — I
have gotten used to the nightmares over the years and most of the time
I just brush them off and go back to sleep. It has been a long time
since I have been haunted by a dream like this. I suppose a lot of it
has to do with my family. I am going to see them tomorrow for a few
days. There are a few people in the family I like to see and visit with
but sadly the ones I don’t like (down right hate) make the visits more
like work than vacation. We went on a spur of the moment sort of thing
a month ago and got suckered into doing computer work and now we have
to return the fruits of LKs labor. Before that it had been 2 years
since I had been there. I was up late because I couldn’t sleep for all
of the what could happen scenarios going on in my brain. The last trip
was so suddened that I didn’t realize I was anxious at all. This time
it is different. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be there. If the
few people I wanted to see would just come see me I would be oh so
happy. Even then it is tense because I am not like these people. I am
not into the same hobbies or believe the same things. It is a trying
experience at best.
I am eternally grateful for my mother and her ability to see past the
moment and get out of that place. She allowed me a freedom I never
would have experienced there. She gave me free thought, expression and
the courage to be who I am. I am certain that had she not packed her
shit and gotten the hell out of Dodge I would be just like them — and
that terrifies me. It is okay for some I suppose, but I would have died
a horrible death of spirit asphyxiation were I to have lived there for
very long.

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