Oh FUDGE

loup
11 October 2018
Carl Sagan Quote

 

We seem to think that we have all of the time in the world, but, we all die in the end.

My entire life I have filled and then discarded many journals and many more attempts to write with reckless abandon – but I lost too much to the should and shouldn’t.

Fear — Uncertainty — Doubt — Guilt — Existential Crisis = FUDGE

 

But spending time out in the desert under the darkest skies imaginable – I have come to realize that I AM INSIGNIFICANT. What I do, what I say — no one cares. Since I am but one speck on a planet of nearly 10 billion people and part of what is most likely a multi-universe it makes it less likely that I am going to make any real change to anything of value for the millenniums to come. So here I am — writing for me.

 

20 Years & Counting

loup
3 October 2018

I met Michael on the Internet. That should tell you where I spent a lot of my free time. I was working on websites, and all of the code was beginning to blur. I had installed the most recent version of ICQ earlier that day, so I decided to take a break from the HTML and check out some of the new features. Trying out Random Chat I came across ET3KIDD. It sparked my interest because it was the first “normal” looking name I had seen. Most people had SexyKitty or HotMale for their usernames. Not original and usually indicating boring conversation and little imagination. ET3KIDD I could not figure out. You see I am an Army Brat, and I didn’t know it was a Navy thing. So I paged him: “Hi What is an ET3KIDD?”. After he explained that it was his rate/ rank in the US Navy, we began chatting.

We spent a lot of evenings chatting and emailing each other, and we finally met in “real life.” He stopped in on his way home for a family get-together. He was supposed to drop in for a moment and be on his way. We stayed up all night long talking about our lives, our dreams, hopes. He dropped by to take me to breakfast on his way back to South Carolina, and every weekend after that *grins*.

A little while later I went to visit him in Charleston, SC and after a week I was getting ready to come back home, and he asked me to stay. He first told me that he was falling in love with me one night with a full moon after a night of walking along the water at the Battery in Charleston, South Carolina. We were listening to the dolphins play in the harbor that night.

He asked me to marry him on September 13th, 1998. It was early in the morning; he had just gotten home from an overnight shift at Prototype. After the hugging and shock wore off, I said YES.

We married on my parents’ place in southwestern Virginia on a breezy October day surrounded by friends and loved ones. The wedding was wonderful. Quiet, comfortable, no church, no rules, just lots of fun! We wore jeans and comfy shirts. I thought that the wolves would have surrounded my dream wedding in the woods (which almost happened by the way), it turns out that any place would have done, as long as Michael was there.

Happy 20th Anniversary.

Love, Lehnanne

Clutch the Pearls

loup
14 September 2018

Does anyone else feel like Elon Musk should have been the lead in “Why Him?” or at the very least Franco’s older brother. “They hate us cause they ain’t us.” Now, I am not typically a Kool-Aid drinker – but if you’ve ever ridden in a Tesla or lucky you — DRIVEN a Tesla — you would know why the haters are running scared. Take a full-EV like a Fiat 500e and multiply that by 1000 and you have it. Take off like a rocket sled – get off the line quicker than any ICE on the market, seat up to seven grown ass people. Can we stop hating on Tesla because of the cost, instead of bashing Tesla for being expensive how about you take your complaint to Detroit? Let me help “Dear Shitty Car Makers; Tesla is dope as fuck; please get with the program so I can trade in my ICE for good. Is Elon bonkers? Yes, but as you know – all the best people are.

Computer Blue

loup
16 July 2018

I envy computers. You can delete a file completely. There is nothing left of the file so when you try to retrieve it – nothing – it does not exist. You won’t accidentally stumble upon the file, and thus ruining your day.

 

I wish I could cut memories out of my brain like a computer file. Just gone, nothing, zip, zilch, nada.

Stupid Holidays

loup
3 July 2018

The United States celebrates their independence from British rule like they just won that fight yesterday. It is a bit like some washed up high school quarterback thinking he is still the shit because of that winning touchdown 30 years ago.

‘murica

What if …

loup
12 April 2018

all of this time the story of the Devil and Hell got twisted around. What if Lucifer were not the evil one but the WARDEN of prison in which evil is contained? A favourite angel of the big G, so honest and good that he was chosen to protect the flock from all the nasty women, liberals and immigrants. Wouldn’t the good christians want to buy him a cup of coffee and a doughnut? Instead, they blame Mr Morningstar for our evil liberal ways.

Caffeinated

loup
1 March 2018

March is Caffeine Awareness Month. While the month is supposed to be dissecting the travesty that is CAFFEINE.

I get that you don’t want toddlers jacked up on energy drank! However, according to 23andme.com, I am likely to consume more caffeine than the majority of the population. I didn’t need genetic testing to know that, but hey: science is cool.

When I was a girl, my Aunt Mary taught me how to drink proper Irish tea – a potent brew with milk and sugar, these days I use erythritol or monk fruit to sweeten and heavy cream – because yanno FAT IS GOOD.

My goto morning cuppa is Republic of Tea’s HiCAF Breakfast blend. I don’t get jitters, and it is a lovely tasting tea with a whopping 110mg of caffeine.

I am sure some people consume too much for their system and needs. When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2005 after suffering most of life, I tried everything. I cut caffeine out – stepped down to as close to zero as I could get. It did not help. In fact, it made things worse. The lesson is – do what works for you.

Anyhow – enjoy the month and have a cuppa or four. =)

My Intrusive Thoughts.

loup
24 January 2018

Yesterday was a stressful fuck. First a dental cleaning – not a big deal in the scheme of things but I hate it none the less. After the cleaning, I was told that I needed a crown.

Three hours later I am having my right tit smushed in between two plates. Apparently, the mammogram I had the week prior has a spot they wanted to revisit.

So 3 more squishes then I am sent off to the ultrasound tech – 10 minutes of imaging the ill offending tit – then 20 minutes to see if the doc approves or needs more – another 10 minutes of goopy awkward massage – another 15 min wait then I am released.

Cancer, not cancer – nothing – something. Don’t know yet. But the intrusive thoughts are all over me today.

——

Yep, 45 is a nice age to die at. I can still say the majority of my life was fun and interesting. I am not 99 lying in a bug-infested urine caked bed – alone – waiting to die.

He is miserable – he would be better off. He doesn’t need me. He has a better time when I am away.
I would be doing him a favor – he could go be with someone or someones that make him happy. I don’t.

Life is unfair and you didn’t win the lotto but you know a good thing and you know when that good thing is over.

——

This is the kind of fucked up shit that ebbs and flows in my brain. All day every day. Sometimes I am able to shush them. I am able to count to 4 all day and drown out the noise. The thoughts. There are some that have clever names for their thoughts. You’ve seen the movies — the one who is only there for the anti-hero to see.

Mr. Brooks had Marshall
Elwood had Harvey
Dexter has his Dark Passenger
and of course, Dr. Jekyl had Mr. Hyde

*for another post – HOLLYWOOD: why do men with these problems get made into quaint men that you can have a drink or a laugh with – where are the women??

I have no cutesy name for my thoughts. I don’t see a person in a rearview mirror talking me into a bad decision or out of a good one. I am not sure if I should make an effort to see these thoughts as someone else. A bully, a fucking bully with the key to my brain.

Moments when I embrace the thoughts – then discard them because they are shitty ideas I feel powerful.
Moments when the best I can do is to continually count to 4 to talk OVER that shit well – those moments are just my life.
Moments when I sit and nod and think yeah it is time. I’ve caused enough pain to people I love and myself. I need to go … that is when I should write.

Colonize or Die

loup
15 January 2018

Watching the British series “Time Team” seeing artifacts from different communities throughout time. I find myself wondering about things that make angry white men believe that they have it right.

As Americans, you would think as BRAVE & FREE brainwashed the public seem to be why they conquer and colonize. If freedom is such a  beautiful thing, why do we impose our beliefs and force archaic rules on people who have every right to live as they please?

We claim all that isn’t ours. We offer nothing but misery and exploitation in return. These people end up losing their history, their future, and their present – all because some rich men want more than they’ve ever earned.

I have traveled and moved around a lot, between being in a military family, marrying a Submariner, and living full-time in a motorhome since 2007 I have had a lot of addresses. I believe that you can never see enough of the world. Once you think you’ve seen enough of it hopefully, you realize that your hometown is no different from my hometown. We are all humans, and we need our tribes.  Basing your tribe on ignorant shit like where you live or what you look like doesn’t help any of us.

loup
10 January 2018
    the powder blankets the hillside
    the moon is full, as it casts glitter over each snowflake
    through the night a single wolf pierces the silence
    sending an eerie call out to his lost pack
    a mournful, lonely cry
    his shadow rises above the countryside
    and then quietly disappears
    leaving only his tracks in the snow
    and the memory of his sad song
    to prove he lived
    lehnanne g. kidd © 10 January 1996