Quiet

loup
5 April 2009

Cheryl headed back home today. We had a good time. I overdid it a little bit the first day — but shit happens.

I was introduced to several new things that I thought I would hate but found I really enjoy.
Edamame for one — very tasty stuff!
Hockey – hells yah — need more fighting and less skating though. = )
Greek food … also delicious.

I was a little worried about the hockey game – all of those people. I figured I would have a panic attack or be bored to death. Neither happened. Had a lot of fun. Am looking forward to a growing interest in the sport. All of those cute mens…. makes me feel like a dirty ol’ hag but oh well. = )

We went to the Lemur center at Duke – what a wonderful place. The largest of its kind in the world – hidden away in the woods. We also went to see the baby Belties at Fearrington – so cyoot!!

We had lunch with Lorz before the hockey game. It was great catching up with her. I am hoping that I can reconnect with people that I just realized were also in this area – funny how online when I kept up at usenet I chatted with people daily when they lived across the country.

I hope Cheryl had a great time too … now to rest for a few days before the next week of run run run begins.
= )

he love you too much

loup
28 March 2009

I had to run into town to pick up snacks for the road trip and my meds. I started to get a hunger headache — what I get for skipping breakfast. I find myself thinking Arby’s. The guy at the window was the Manager – a nice guy. Hispanic, older fella – he cracks me up every time I see him. Yea, we think Arby’s a lot around here.  Well, here I am sitting in my car, enjoying the warm and muggy weather … (no, not really).  He leans out and asks – “You like your car?” I smile and quietly say yes. He smiles big and says (imagine a cross between George Lopez and Cheech. “No, I know you like your car — it has HEMI.” He asks me if I mind telling him how much. Now — I don’t brag about the car or house notes. They are part of life, and I hate them.

I drive a fierce, brilliant black muscle car with more horsepower than my IQ, weight, and age combined. This bitch has so much romp off the line that she will damn near break your neck if you aren’t payin’ attention. Yes, she sucks 2x as much gas as a Prius. But we didn’t get her for the MPG. The car note reflects all of that — it’s not like the note I had on the Dodge Neon I had – but it ain’t a NEON either.

Now, we aren’t rich either. HELLO — if we were — we wouldn’t have car notes. Right?

So when he asks “What is the payment — how much you pay? – Maybe cinco – five hundred??” I tell him — I think with gas, insurance, and the note it’s about 8″ … Without taking a breath or missing a beat, he blurts out —

“EIGHT — I think maybe your husband, he love you too much!”

I just smiled. It is true. My husband does love me too much – I am spoiled there is no doubt.

True Enough

loup
22 March 2009

I am learning to slow down and enjoy my own pace.
I am appreciating the people around me more these days.
I can see the effects of gravity on my body, no matter how much I exercise or watch what I eat – aging is upon me.
The lines on my face are indicative of my life story, and I am learning to appreciate them.
I am listening more to my “inner voices”, rather than taking care of everyone else.
As I mature, I seem to be gaining a sense of inner peace.
I am moving away from frantically meeting others’ expectations and developing my own priorities.
My intimate relationships are complicated and changing.
I am wondering whether all of what I am involved in makes sense.

I found this somewhere online – I saved it — I came across it again today. I am trying to live for me and keep away from feeling sorry for myself because of all of the things my health prevents me from doing and look toward the things I can still do.

20 words or less

loup
20 March 2009

Rated R for sadistic brutal violence including a rape and disturbing images, language, nudity and some drug use.

This is actually a description for the movie “Last House on the Left” … but the first time I read it I thought — that pretty much sums up my life.

Fibromyalgia

loup
4 March 2009

I was told by my diagnosing doctor, as if it were some reason to jump up and down with joy, that Fibromyalgia was not progressive and it is not fatal.

I think my doctor was full of shit on the first part. If it isn’t progressive why for the last 3 years have my episodes gotten worse and lasted longer than one before?

I think what bothers me the most is that the Arthritis Foundation says that Fibromyalgia is the 2nd most diagnosed form of Arthritis – yet no one really knows about it. Even the specialists don’t know that much.

I feel like I have been plowed over by a Mack truck on a daily basis, and my muscles and brain function are so off kilter it feels like I am swimming in pudding. I don’t “look” sick – but I am. I am disabled. I can not work because while I hurt all of the time enough to keep me from working – it gets worse. There are days I can not get out of bed. There are days I can get out of bed but I can’t remember how to spell my own name for the brain fog. It is sad and it upsets me that I am young and this shit has destroyed who I was.

Fibromyalgia has stolen so much from me. And yet it has given so much to me.

I now know the side effects of every pain med, SSRI, SSNI, and NSAID on the market. I know which foods will send me running to the bathroom and which scents, cleaners and other seemingly harmless products “everyone” uses in daily life will make my day miserable. I learn new and exciting ways to get down stairs or into a pick up truck without sending pain throughout my body – unfortunately I usually look like some crazed goof doing it.

Most of the people I know don’t have a reference of what it is even like – remotely. There are few shining souls that show me compassion and empathy without understanding. And unfortunately there are a few that even have Fibro – so they know first hand. It makes me sad that people I love have to suffer like this. I wouldn’t wish this shit on my worst enemy. Well, maybe a few of them. = )

If you are reading this – I will ask you this. Take a brief moment and look up a little information about Fibromyalgia. If you know someone with Fibro – don’t treat them like outcasts or act like they are just being silly or making anything up. It is real, it hurts and it is terribly hard to function with this crap on a good day much less a bad flare day. Show a little patience.

* http://www.fmaware.org

* http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com a great site – with an even better theory/explanation to those who don’t have fibro .. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/