speak up – speak out

6 January 2018

I can certainly understand the fear that comes with traumatic events at the hands of people who seem to have some “control” in your life. We all have things that have happened to us, to our loved ones and we continue to sit on these secrets.

We spend so much energy trying to be safe and quiet, and the trouble with that is it leaves others vulnerable to harm.

We are taught very early one in our young lives that someone that tattles was not worthy of listening to, they exaggerate and over-react.

As an army brat, I can tell you a lot of children and spouses tried to wear their parents rank as if it were there own. In the 3rd grade, a little boy tormented me on the bus. I told my mom after three days. I told Mamma what was going on. Her advice was simple – “the next time that little shit raises his hand you – knock him onto his ass,” – so I did.

We ended up in a meeting with the boy in his father’s office – with the boy and his parents – the base commander, and his mother. My dad was out on maneuvers otherwise he would have been there too. Mamma and I sat patiently listening to the bold accusations and threats. They were going to take my dad’s rank; they were going to ship us back stateside, they were going to file formal charges and have me remanded to a “HOME” for problem children. It went on like this for a while. “What you have to say for yourself?”

My mother was a bit of an enigma to most people. She would go out of her way to help a person in need even if it meant going without herself. However, bring harm to those in her care, and she would become a terrifying force of nature that you did not want to see again.

After the collection of ass-clowns picked their jaws off the floor, we headed out and down the stairs. Mamma stopped me and said “Never be afraid to tell someone when you are hurt, you may not be the only one, and it is up to you to speak out. It gives others strength to hear that it has happened to others like them. There are always going to be people who think they are more significant than others and they abuse their positions. Never just let it go.”

There is so much truth in that 3rd-grade exchange that I never forgot it, and I live by it today still.

I realize it can be scary; you think you may not have a job if you speak out – you may fear violent retributions. But I promise you, the pain you suffer now will only increase as you hear stories just like yours – and you will wonder WHAT IF? for the rest of your list.

Pain is a part of life – it just is. Suffering is optional. Take that hate, that anger, and that fear and do something with it. Create a movement, purge it out of your system with art and words but never stay silent.

From this moment …

26 September 2014

We are getting ready to embark on the road trip of a lifetime this morning and I find this tidbit in my email —


LOUP, what wouldn’t you give to live, love, and be happy, deliriously happy, forevermore?

Well, that’s just it, you needn’t give anything, LOUP. Just decide to live, love, and be happy, deliriously happy, from this moment forward.

Easy enough. See you on the road.

Notes From The Universe

15 September 2014

I subscribe to TUT.com and get little random notes from “The Universe” in my email. I will start sharing the ones that I like. You can sign up for your own notes for free.



Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that you always have options.

That your power has remained intact.

And that everything, up until now, has just been practice for the really, really good stuff.

The Universe

Self Care

3 June 2014

I am very lucky that I have found something that helps me with Fibromyalgia. It helps a little too well because about a week before the next treatment my energy starts to wane and the aches come back. My issues with dizziness, vision, headaches, brain fog … you get the pictures… start popping back up. The trouble is that for the first few days after their return I think I am dying – I have forgotten that these things were my normal.

Friday I go in for another Lidocaine Infusion. As I said I am very fortunate that I have something that helps – there are so many that haven’t found anything that helps them.

But – having your illness masked and the daily issues diminished so much that they are but mere background noise has drawbacks. My self-care goes down the drain once the treatment kicks in. I forget that I am sick. I am not sure if it just happens because the pain is reduced or if in some part of my being I want to believe that I am healthy.

I had appointments today and fun stuff planned and I just can’t face it — it sucks. This morning I am making a promise to myself to be better at self-care. I don’t ever want to give up trying new things or pushing myself to move. However, I need to reign my enthusiasm in a bit, because I am just hurting myself by over-doing and not listening to my own cues to slow down and take care.

It puts the lotion on the skin ….

9 April 2014


I love a good lotion. Coconut oil, rose hips … it can make a bad day a little better. I wish it was the solution to all things. The last few days have been hard. Allergens in the air, crazy barometric pressure swings, past due for my lidocaine infusion. I am grateful that my husband is so patient. But, still, there are days when I plan to get things done and they don’t happen. I feel guilty. I am harder on myself than anyone else. Even after fighting chronic invisible illnesses for the better part of my life, I still have to keep telling myself that this is a day to day kind of forever and you have to take the suck with the wonderous.

So I will find a comfortable place, rub some EOS lotion into my hands and then sip some Numi tea. I will embrace the pain – because the pain is telling me that I am alive and if I am alive I still have some fight left in me.

3 Year Surgiversary

17 March 2014

1 March 2014 marked the 3 year anniversary since I had my RNY gastric bypass surgery. Since then I have lost just over 200 pounds. My labs are all great and I am healthier than I have been in a long time. Even though I still deal with chronic pain as well as Fibromyalgia I am healthy and doing well.

I am really open about it because it is my hope that if more people are open then the ignorance and cruelty will some how go away or at least lessen. I am not asking anyone to be proud of me, I wouldn’t even if I lost weight without the tool of surgery. But telling people that surgery is the easy way out is beyond cruel and ignorant — it is just stupidity.

Someone once said to me “If you had any will power you wouldn’t be fat.” If that were really the case and I have no control .. explain to me how I and many other people who have had surgery control their diet so rigidly avoiding so many pitfalls every day. Take their vitamins and supplements every day like clockwork — and all of this without self control?!?

Weight loss surgery is NOT the easy way out. It is scary, it is not a free pass, it is not without risk. Would I do it again? Yes. Should you educate yourself before you make shitty comments .. absolutely.


6 November 2013

I look at a pile of things – things that mean nothing to me and can go to Goodwill or ReHome store today … still the pile sits.

We move out in a few weeks and back into a SMALLER RV than we had before and still he is clinging to the idea that we NEED all of this stuff or that it will FIT.

Put on top of that my stress level has gone through the roof. I have been telling him for months that I’ve reached my limit and he throws more on top.

Medical, his family, move, job, PEOPLE ALL OF THE FUCKING DAY LONG, motorhome, people, new job, his family, medical …. when does it end.

I want to get into my tiny clown car and disappear. I want the pulling in all directions to stop. I want PRIVACY. I want to know that if someone knocks on my door I don’t have to answer that fucker. Much less worry about having my boss coming into my home to drop a deuce. This is not cool. This is no way to live.

Having to tell people where I am going and when I will be home when it all started as “if you are home you will help out if you can, if you can’t no big deal” … then it turned into a half-way house .. lights out, need to know where you are all at times.


Now what should be grand adventure for DH – all of his employment dreams come true are overshadowed by my foggy brained breakdown.

He is talking about leaving stuff in the house and sorting it as needed later to “reduce the stress on me” … loading it all up and giving it away would do it for me.

I am having a hard time keeping a grip and spend many hours just freaking the fuck out. Not safe, not healthy — but it is what it is.

I keep hearing “This shall pass” … but when .. I have given notice, given warning .. I have communicated the best way I know how that I am in dire need of assisstance and it isn’t until I am found in a pile of sobs in the middle of the floor that the full force of WHAT IN THE FUCK is going on. I am not as strong as you think I am – I am not even as strong as I think I am.

I am just ready to go on walk about.

Case of the Mondays

16 September 2013

I had an RFAx3 this morning with my lovely pain doc at UNC. She is amazing. Went in feeling awful pain – on a mortal scale a #8 *grins* – left with zero pain. I am itching a bit and during the procedure I became very tearful and emotional. Maybe the Fentanyl, maybe the squabbling sibling nonsense. Dunno. Himself is prepping the rig, it is currently a cluttered mess and it makes me a little frantic, but I am trying not to nap. I am sure everything will find a place. I do hope that he calls his mother soon. I do NOT want to waste the fuel on a trip to KY if we are not wanted. There ARE people who love us that we don’t see enough of and I would rather put more into THOSE relationships instead of trying to salvage something for nothing. I have no patience anymore for this kind of bullshit nicety – dislike me or not – but don’t try to pretend, just be real about it. Save us both the effort.


13 July 2012

I’d like to say I am evolved enough that the numbers don’t affect me. I know that I went through weight loss surgery for more reasons than getting my BMI to an acceptable number. Even though I think the BMI is complete bullshit. I could tell you that my brain doesn’t squeal with delight when I walk by the plus sizes into the juniors to clothes shop. And as hard as I try to let go of the numbers – they still shock me.

1 March 2011 I weighed 170lbs more than I do today.
I have lost 2 shoe sizes, 6 ring sizes; gone from a size 30 pants to an 8.
I have lost 8 inches on my chest and 2 bra cup sizes.

I know this isn’t permanent. I know it isn’t a fixed result. I have to work at this every damned day for the rest of my life. It is a battle of choices … making the right ones. Getting my protein in, keeping my carbs low, fluids, vitamins … forever.

But when I throw my legs over my head and strike the Halasana pose it is worth it.

1 Year Surgirversary

1 March 2012

There was something wrong with my brain, even though I weighed over 330 pounds I never saw myself that way. Sure I knew I was zaftig – but just how fat never really entered my mind. Forget that I could no longer see my toes – much less touch them. Forget that I would about collapse after climbing a flight of stairs. I blamed everything on Fibromyalgia. I was using an electric mobility scooter for just about every outing that required more than 20 steps. I was wearing a size 30 pants and a 48E bra.

It was a year ago today that I had Roux en Y gastric bypass performed by Dr. Michael Tyner at REX Hospital in Raleigh, NC. Terrified, I wanted to back out of it – I thought I was ready, that is until my surgery date in February came and went thanks to a suspicious scratch on my stomach. My doctor (thankfully) didn’t want to take any risks of it being MRSA and put me on antibiotics and rescheduled for 1 March. That gave me 2 weeks to question everything. I was not ready to go one more birthday over 300lbs; if I even made it to another birthday.

My doctor told me that I would lose 100# the first year. I’ve lost 143. I now take the stairs most of the time. Fibromyalgia still kicks my ass some days, but I no longer use the scooter. I am in size 12 pants and 38D bra. I can now touch my toes, and I walk without collapsing. I take my vitamins faithfully. My blood work is smack dab in the middle of NORMAL.

Anyone who says that surgery is the easy path to weight loss has no idea what they are saying. Emotionally, physically and mentally this is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I am grateful forever new adventure I can go on thanks to my better health.