Notes From The Universe

loup
15 September 2014

I subscribe to TUT.com and get little random notes from “The Universe” in my email. I will start sharing the ones that I like. You can sign up for your own notes for free.

 

 

Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that you always have options.

That your power has remained intact.

And that everything, up until now, has just been practice for the really, really good stuff.

Tallyho,
The Universe

Self Care

loup
3 June 2014

I am very lucky that I have found something that helps me with Fibromyalgia. It helps a little too well because about a week before the next treatment my energy starts to wane and the aches come back. My issues with dizziness, vision, headaches, brain fog … you get the pictures… start popping back up. The trouble is that for the first few days after their return I think I am dying – I have forgotten that these things were my normal.

Friday I go in for another Lidocaine Infusion. As I said I am very fortunate that I have something that helps – there are so many that haven’t found anything that helps them.

But – having your illness masked and the daily issues diminished so much that they are but mere background noise has drawbacks. My self-care goes down the drain once the treatment kicks in. I forget that I am sick. I am not sure if it just happens because the pain is reduced or if in some part of my being I want to believe that I am healthy.

I had appointments today and fun stuff planned and I just can’t face it — it sucks. This morning I am making a promise to myself to be better at self-care. I don’t ever want to give up trying new things or pushing myself to move. However, I need to reign my enthusiasm in a bit, because I am just hurting myself by over-doing and not listening to my own cues to slow down and take care.

It puts the lotion on the skin ….

loup
9 April 2014

Moisturizing

I love a good lotion. Coconut oil, rose hips … it can make a bad day a little better. I wish it was the solution to all things. The last few days have been hard. Allergens in the air, crazy barometric pressure swings, past due for my lidocaine infusion. I am grateful that my husband is so patient. But, still, there are days when I plan to get things done and they don’t happen. I feel guilty. I am harder on myself than anyone else. Even after fighting chronic invisible illnesses for the better part of my life, I still have to keep telling myself that this is a day to day kind of forever and you have to take the suck with the wonderous.

So I will find a comfortable place, rub some EOS lotion into my hands and then sip some Numi tea. I will embrace the pain – because the pain is telling me that I am alive and if I am alive I still have some fight left in me.

3 Year Surgiversary

loup
17 March 2014

1 March 2014 marked the 3 year anniversary since I had my RNY gastric bypass surgery. Since then I have lost just over 200 pounds. My labs are all great and I am healthier than I have been in a long time. Even though I still deal with chronic pain as well as Fibromyalgia I am healthy and doing well.

I am really open about it because it is my hope that if more people are open then the ignorance and cruelty will some how go away or at least lessen. I am not asking anyone to be proud of me, I wouldn’t even if I lost weight without the tool of surgery. But telling people that surgery is the easy way out is beyond cruel and ignorant — it is just stupidity.

Someone once said to me “If you had any will power you wouldn’t be fat.” If that were really the case and I have no control .. explain to me how I and many other people who have had surgery control their diet so rigidly avoiding so many pitfalls every day. Take their vitamins and supplements every day like clockwork — and all of this without self control?!?

Weight loss surgery is NOT the easy way out. It is scary, it is not a free pass, it is not without risk. Would I do it again? Yes. Should you educate yourself before you make shitty comments .. absolutely.

Perception

loup
6 November 2013

I look at a pile of things – things that mean nothing to me and can go to Goodwill or ReHome store today … still the pile sits.

We move out in a few weeks and back into a SMALLER RV than we had before and still he is clinging to the idea that we NEED all of this stuff or that it will FIT.

Put on top of that my stress level has gone through the roof. I have been telling him for months that I’ve reached my limit and he throws more on top.

Medical, his family, move, job, PEOPLE ALL OF THE FUCKING DAY LONG, motorhome, people, new job, his family, medical …. when does it end.

I want to get into my tiny clown car and disappear. I want the pulling in all directions to stop. I want PRIVACY. I want to know that if someone knocks on my door I don’t have to answer that fucker. Much less worry about having my boss coming into my home to drop a deuce. This is not cool. This is no way to live.

Having to tell people where I am going and when I will be home when it all started as “if you are home you will help out if you can, if you can’t no big deal” … then it turned into a half-way house .. lights out, need to know where you are all at times.

Miserable.

Now what should be grand adventure for DH – all of his employment dreams come true are overshadowed by my foggy brained breakdown.

He is talking about leaving stuff in the house and sorting it as needed later to “reduce the stress on me” … loading it all up and giving it away would do it for me.

I am having a hard time keeping a grip and spend many hours just freaking the fuck out. Not safe, not healthy — but it is what it is.

I keep hearing “This shall pass” … but when .. I have given notice, given warning .. I have communicated the best way I know how that I am in dire need of assisstance and it isn’t until I am found in a pile of sobs in the middle of the floor that the full force of WHAT IN THE FUCK is going on. I am not as strong as you think I am – I am not even as strong as I think I am.

I am just ready to go on walk about.