Now What

15 February 2002

Hi all. I apologize for my recent silence online. I have not been able to get to a computer until today. We arrived around 2300 on Monday night – after a quick visit to the house and change of clothes we went to ICU to visit Mamma – Her vitals had been stable until I arrived – although the nurses said that they were falling it wasn’t enough for them to even note it in the records yet. When I got there, she was unresponsive, but I know she knew I was there. We took her off of the fluids as they weren’t helping and decided to let nature run its course. Her oxygen level dropped to 13%, and she started to turn blue, and I just told her she HAD to hang on and wait for Daddy – we had called him in, and he was on his way, but she HAD to wait on him. Her O2 levels started to climb then – this is how I know she knew I was there. = )

She let go of this life on Tuesday, February 5th at about 330am surrounded by loved ones. She was never in any pain, and when her body gave out it was swift and quiet. We could have put her on a life support system and kept her body alive, but the damage proved too high. She would never have come back to us. We did for her what she wanted – we let nature take its course. Mamma was such an independent woman that she would never have wanted to spend her last days depending on a machine. – Unless of course, it was a computer that had free online bingo *grins*

She will continue being an amazing force in my life as well as the lives of those she touched. I just keep telling myself the three things that my Mamma spent her entire life pounding into my brain …

1) Everything happens for a reason
2) Everything works out for the best
3) You will never have any more than you can handle

I wanted to thank you all for your kind words, well wishes, thoughts and prayers. I know that Mamma hung in there until I could come and say goodbye and for that, I will always be grateful.

If I am not around for a while longer I know you all will understand… we are all having a hard time with this, but we realize that she wouldn’t have left us if we couldn’t have handled it.

Mom is gone…

8 February 2002

We made it out to Carlsbad about 2 hours before my mom died.
I had to be the one to make the final decision to let her go. Her kidneys were shutting down and the scans were showing no activity in her brain. The stroke was a major one. Once I got to the hospital the nurses had told me they were just about to call because she was going downhill and if we were going to put her on life support now would be the time. I am numb. I can’t cry because I need to be strong for dad and I don’t think it has hit me yet.

This is all just so crazy. Just Friday night I spoke with her on the phone – complaining about LKs dad. She seemed fine. I don’t know what I am going to do without her.


5 December 2001

I wanted to tell you why I don’t want children so that it may help others who may be on the fence realize that they are not alone and that there is NOTHING wrong with them. I have also found that there is a prejudice against people who don’t want kids.

The next time someone who isn’t sure about what they are feeling and think they are losing their minds comes online and searches the word childfree maybe seeing that there are so many of us out here, they won’t feel alone in the sea of commercials for diapers, Dizzkneeland, and Brats R Us. Also to help stop people from thinking all of that crazy bullshit that people feel when you tell them you don’t want/ like children. Since I can remember I have never wanted children. I’ve never liked kids, even when I was a child I didn’t like to be around them. I didn’t play well with others so to speak. I don’t want the mess that children make; the smells children make, the noise children make, the stress in a relationship they can cause, the financial turmoil they can put you in, the list goes on. It is a personal choice, and I can live with it.

And it isn’t that I hate children. I dislike, as many people – parents and non-parents alike, ill-behaved children. But many of my friends and family have children that I enjoy spending time with, but I enjoy going back to my quiet home much more.

I recently had a Tubal Ligation as a form of birth control. My doctors didn’t hesitate to agree to this after I explained why I wanted it done. If I ever decide to have children I will adopt, after all, my Daddy is not linked to me by DNA why should that kind of thing matter to me if I have kids. Love is love.

Just don’t let people get you down and certainly try not to let their short-comings as a parent or human give you pause with your choices in life. Make yourself happy.