party of one

loup
1 November 2003

I picked up “Party of One: A Loners’ Manifesto” at the library this
week by Anneli Rufus. It is very interesting and I never considered
myself a “loner” before. I just hate people. I am only a few pages into
this adventure and already I am beginning to believe I have been a
loner all along. I don’t like crowds and avoid them at every
opportunity, an outing with friends will have me needing a weekend of
pure quiet to recover. I married an extrovert. Not only is he an
extrovert he actually likes being around people and helping them. We
even each other out. I wonder how many are out there like me. People
who think differently, learn differently, act differently.
I doubt we will ever know because it isn’t like we are going to start a
support group to meet others … or are we? There is probably more than
a few on the internet. I just looked and there are quite a few. Do you
think the people who join those groups will ever see the irony of
joining a support group for loners?

buckeye bound

loup
8 September 2003

I woke up this morning from a nasty nightmare. One of those all alone
and you know it sort of feelings. I literally woke up screaming — I
have gotten used to the nightmares over the years and most of the time
I just brush them off and go back to sleep. It has been a long time
since I have been haunted by a dream like this. I suppose a lot of it
has to do with my family. I am going to see them tomorrow for a few
days. There are a few people in the family I like to see and visit with
but sadly the ones I don’t like (down right hate) make the visits more
like work than vacation. We went on a spur of the moment sort of thing
a month ago and got suckered into doing computer work and now we have
to return the fruits of LKs labor. Before that it had been 2 years
since I had been there. I was up late because I couldn’t sleep for all
of the what could happen scenarios going on in my brain. The last trip
was so suddened that I didn’t realize I was anxious at all. This time
it is different. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be there. If the
few people I wanted to see would just come see me I would be oh so
happy. Even then it is tense because I am not like these people. I am
not into the same hobbies or believe the same things. It is a trying
experience at best.
I am eternally grateful for my mother and her ability to see past the
moment and get out of that place. She allowed me a freedom I never
would have experienced there. She gave me free thought, expression and
the courage to be who I am. I am certain that had she not packed her
shit and gotten the hell out of Dodge I would be just like them — and
that terrifies me. It is okay for some I suppose, but I would have died
a horrible death of spirit asphyxiation were I to have lived there for
very long.

Missing Mom

loup
17 August 2003

My mom died 5 February 2002. Time has passed and some wounds have
healed, some have just gone numb. Getting on with life has gotten a
little easier, but last night for the first time in a long time I
really missed her. I missed her so much I couldn’t sleep. My mom and I
had this weird relationship. When I was growing up we fought
constantly. She raised me to think for myself and when I hit puberty
that notion came back to haunt her. *grins* We didn’t always see eye to
eye, we yelled, screamed and if you were on the outside looking in you
would think that we hated each other. Even through the teenage years, I
could ALWAYS go to her for
advice, to talk, anything, anytime, day or night. Last night was one of
those nights when growing up I would have crept into her room needing
to talk. She never slept well so most of the time I would find her
awake, either reading or working on crochet. She always stopped for me.
Some nights she would be exhausted but never gave in until I had it all
off of my chest. Later in life she became my best friend. I didn’t
always agree with her, or like what she was doing but she was always
there for me and I can’t deny that she had plenty of good advice. My
aunt says I am just like her. I agree that there are some eerie
similarities but I think I took the good from her and the good from my
dad and went from there out on my own. I don’t know what brought it on,
I don’t know how to turn it off — but I missed her last night more
than any night since she died.

Does Life Suck?

loup
15 August 2003

I recently read in some dark corner of the internet that the only
reason one would keep an online journal would be to complain about the
hell that is their life. I don’t know that I believe that. My life
isn’t all that bad. If you stand back and look at it my life is
actually kind of nice. I rant a lot but not about anything that
controls my happy / sad factor. Just annoying things. I don’t know why
I bother really except just to get it off of my mind. Rant a bit then
forget it. I have a wonderful person in my life who adores me and
spoils me rotten. I have 2 fantastic dogs that could not be better at
being cute if they tried and all of the toys and gadgets a girl needs.
And to the dark corner of the net I say … you can so blog and be
happy … so there.

family

loup
11 August 2003

If I ever write a book about my family I am going to call it “Two Tanks
of Gas and a Handful of Xanax” – because that is what you need to get
through a weekend with them. It isn’t that I despise the whole family
thing – just a few of them. They seem to make the visits stressful and
annoying. There are few groovy people in our gene pool that I dig
hanging about with. I wish those groovy ones would come and see us more
often but I understand their schedules are pretty stretched to the
limit. It should would be nice to have time with them without hearing
about, dealing with or seeing the shitheads of the family. Ah well– we
are home now and I have added the missing days of the pic-of-the-day
page.

memories

loup
31 July 2003

A friend of mine called today. Her grandfather was told he has lung
cancer, they have basically sent him home to die. She is heading out in
a few days to see him. It is going to be hard on her I am sure. Just
talking to her brings back a rush of memories. Some of them good, some
of them bad. One memory that sticks out in my brain like a splinter in
my ass is of a lady who thought she was doing me a favor by telling me
that I was going to hell because I wasn’t a christian. I thought I was
doing her a favor by offering to volunteer some of my very precious
time to her and her animals. Granted I was being a bit selfish because
I am at my best when I’m outside with animals. When one of the nurses
aides offered to come sit with dad when he was dying of cancer a few
hours a week so I could go and help out a friend of hers I jumped on
it. Set up the meeting and everything was going well until she asked me
the question that every christian asks. “Is jesus your lord and
savior?” FUCK ME!!
“No.” I replied. Here it comes. blah blah HELL blah blah eternal
damnation blah blah I am unresponsive with a slight grin. So here comes
the whammy. She drones on. “Imagine having to live through your very
worst nightmare — unless you accept jesus as your savior — that is
what you will go through. Hell.”
GAME ON!!
“I am 2500 miles away from my husband. I gave up my home, friends and
job to come take care of my father who is dying. Less than two months
ago I held my mother’s dead hand and said goodbye to her forever, but
not until I had to tell the doctors and nurses to let her go. I see my
dad suffer and there is nothing I can do for him but be there and tell
him I love him. I am a 29 year old orphan. My worst nightmare was
losing my parents and here I am living it. Anything that your god can
throw at me now wouldn’t even make a dent. I am here to offer you help
a few hours a week. Clean out stalls, feed, care for the animals you
name it I can do it. But I won’t have this conversation with you again.
If you can deal with the fact that a non-christian is willing to come
by and help out then great … if you can’t then that is your loss. You
think it over and give me a call.”
I got home fighting back tears. I told dad the whole tale; he took my
hand and said “Her loss. You are a wonderful person – you and I both
know it. You don’t have to be a christian to be a good person. In fact
most christians aren’t.”
I never heard from that lady. I miss my dad.

dmvhell

loup
29 July 2003

Okay so 2 hours of my life have been wasted for 4 little stickers that
go on the plates of my vehicles. Not to mention the 75 bucks the
Commonwealth took from me. I think there should be an amendment to the
law that makes murder illegal. If you kill at the DMV during your
waiting time it is okay. There were at least 6 kids running amuck there
that I wanted to take out. I did manage to trip one of the little
bastards who kept running in circles around the line of chairs I was
seated in. He cried. I smiled. The moo scooped him up and went and sat far far away. Mission accomplished. I drained my cell phone battery talking to Screamer trying to keep my mind off of the rage that was going on in my head. Just another shining example of why I do not carry a gun … I don’t want to spend my money on ammo and bail anyway.

getting started

loup
18 July 2003

I thought having this set up would inspire me to write more. So far it
hasn’t — the rants and thoughts and ideas are still trapped the dark
maze that is my brain. I was standing in the shower this evening, for
the second time today — damn this sweaty weather — thinking. I think
about everything in the shower. I need to find those soap crayons so I
can take notes. Some of my best thoughts are when I am naked and wet. I
guess there isn’t much for this situation other than to just write.
After all a writer writes — isn’t that what they say. I doubt there is
little interest out here for what I have to say but then again I never
did anything because I hoped someone would care enough to show
interest. I guess if you are reading this and you are interested —
thanks and stay tuned, if you aren’t then look out because I think the
dam is about to burst. It won’t be pretty … honesty never is.

visitors

loup
3 July 2003

Today is my dad’s 60th birthday. A few years ago my mom and I talked
about throwing him a big party. We were going to go all out for it. It
isn’t every day your dad turns 60 after all right? I sure do miss him.
I have been thinking about mom and dad a lot this week. I don’t mind my
life right now, but I sure as hell didn’t think I would be “here” at 30. I have grown a lot over the last year and it has been a challenge but I think I am a better person for the struggles. It sounds like a crock of shit when people tell you that hard times make you stronger and you come out better for having lived
through it — but I guess it is true.
I know one thing is certain, it puts everything into perspective. You
lose all interest in the petty bullshit of day to day life and start to
weed out the people that bring nothing but grief and negativity to the
table. I just don’t have time or the interest to deal with that silly
shit anymore. Life is far to short.

i’m too old to feel like this

loup
25 June 2003

This year has been pure hell on me and my husband. It all started last Autumn. In November my parents moved to Carlsbad, New Mexico. For them it was a dream come true. For me it was filled with worry and heart-ache. I missed my mother so much. I cried every night for nearly a month after she moved out there.

In January my husband and I had made plans to take time off and go out for a visit. Unfortunately before that visit we got a phone call from my father. My mother had a severe stroke on the 2nd of February. After driving 26 hours across country we made it. Then 3 hours later, my mother died. Everyone said she was waiting for me to get there.

After a few weeks we returned back to Virginia. We were starting to plan a move – after LK’s discharge from the Navy we were going to be moving closer to my dad than we had planned so we could look in on him. In March, my father had several tumors removed from his bladder. He was sick and getting worse. My aunt and uncle were still in Carlsbad with my dad and waiting on me to get things tied up in Virginia so I could come help. In the middle of April I returned to New Mexico to care for my father. He was officially diagnosed with Stage IV Metastatic Bladder Cancer on the 18th of April. We had suspected it was Cancer for a while. He turned down chemo-therapy. A week later he was put under the care of a wonderful hospice. Vista Care’s nurses and staff were nothing short of amazing. They helped us out and were it not for them we never would have made it as far as we did. My dad died on 21 June, 2002 – Four months, Two weeks, and three days after my mother.

I am in Virginia with my husband. I am glad to be home with him and thankful that my dad is no longer in pain. I wouldn’t trade those last memories I have of my dad for anything. I can sleep at night knowing I did all that I could to be there for him. I never turned my back on him because he was in so much pain or because it was too hard to watch. I may not have been his biological daughter but no one on this earth can say that they loved him more than I did. Step-daughter or not.

My friends who were always there for me: THANK YOU … I just can’t say it enough.
VistaCare of Carlsbad, NM: You all will be in my heart – always.
Carlsbad Animal Clinic: Many thanks to Dr. Payne, Dr. Heinrich and their staff for helping Maynard and Paddington cross to Rainbow Bridge with dignity and in love.