These Dreams

loup
1 March 2003

Dum dum dee do wah oh yeah yeah yeah – I had a dream about my dad recently. It was very comforting to be able to dream about my parents and not just feel anxious about it all because they are dead and I know it. I was able to enjoy the dream (yes I knew I was dreaming and I knew they were dead) without spending the time questioning why they were there because they are dead. So I have been thinking about daddy for the last few days and he used to walk up to me and just speak the first line in Only the Lonely — (Roy Orbison). So that is why I started off today with that line. Great guy, a fantastic warped sense of humor. I sure do miss him.

dreaming of daddy

loup
1 March 2003

Dum dum dee do wah oh yeah yeah yeah – I had a dream about my dad recently. It was very comforting to be able to dream about my parents and not just feel anxious about it all because they are dead and I know it. I was able to enjoy the dream (yes I knew I was dreaming and I knew they were dead) without spending the time questioning why they were there because they are dead. So I have been thinking about daddy for the last few days and he used to walk up to me and just speak the first line in Only the Lonely — (Roy Orbison). So that is why I started off today with that line. Great guy, a fantastic warped sense of humor. I sure do miss him.

Year

loup
2 February 2003

One year ago – seems like yesterday. I sat like a little girl lost holding her hand. I am 30 now and I am an adult with my own life to live and yet I feel like an orphan. It is so strange.

sheeple suck

loup
29 September 2002

I hate sheeple. Sheeple? You ask, yes SHEEPLE. You know the human herd. Just because Gagney Spears sold millions of records doesn’t mean she has talent. But the sheeple – the sheeple think she is the next Nina Simone. Sheeple believe that Edison invented everything he holds a patent for, couldn’t possibly have stolen ideas from his former colleague Nikola Tesla. Sheeple aren’t aware that FOX NEWS is an oxymoron. Ah, sheeple. Margo’s dad had it right – don’t be a sheep – people hate sheep.

I once complained to my father that I didn’t seem to be able to do things the same way other people did. Dad’s advice? “Margo, don’t be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep.” — Margo Kaufman

Famn Damily

loup
29 June 2002

let me tell you about my “REAL” family. My biological father’s (sperm donor) family … a bunch of welfare / system scamming low-rent shit for brain losers. No I am not bitter, just truthful. Now don’t get me wrong – this doesn’t mean that “STEP” family is better. My step-dad (daddy) was awesome but his family?? Make your own family I say. You don’t need DNA to be family and you damn sure don’t have to put up with a bunch of negative bullshit in your life just because they are “family”. Just ask my daddy’s brothers, who haven’t contacted me since my dad died. I guess since there wasn’t any insurance or goodies when dad died to get I no longer matter. Or you could ask my one of my biological cousins who doesn’t speak to me because apparently I don’t appreciate getting jeezus freak e-mail. Who cares … all I know is that life is too damn short to deal with assholes when you just don’t have to!

Thomas F Gibbs Jr

loup
25 June 2002

Carlsbad N.M. – 1SG Thomas Franklin Gibbs, Jr. (Retired), 58, died June 21, 2002 at Carlsbad Medical Center.

Tom was born July 3, 1943 to the late Thomas F. Gibbs, Sr. and Wilmoth Whitlow Gibbs. He was preceded in death by his wife of over 20 years, Melody Ann Gibbs. Her passing in February 2002 had a profound affect on his health. He is survived by his three brothers and their families. He is also survived by his daughter L Gibbs Kidd and her husband Michael. He showed a great love and affection for the family of his late wife, always believing that blood wasn’t as strong of a bond as love. Melody’s sister and brother-in-law Pat and John Thompson has a special place in his heart. He will be greatly missed.

Tom was raised in Floyd County, Virginia and a graduate of Floyd County High School. After graduation he joined the US Marine Corps and served in Viet Nam. After his enlistment with the Marines was up he returned home to Virginia only to find himself back in the US Armed Forces, this time with the US ARMY. He served his country for over 20 years. After retiring from the Army in 1991 he settled in Floyd County with his wife and lived and worked for over 10 years. In November 2001 he and his wife moved to Carlsbad, New Mexico. Shortly after her death he was diagnosed with Stage IV Metastatic Bladder Cancer.

A simple private service at the residence was held for family and friends. We scattered his ashes in the same desert where his wife’s spirit soars so that they may be reunited. Tom was a spiritual man who believed that Church was a building and he didn’t need to be there to talk to God.

In lieu of flowers, memorials in the name of Thomas Gibbs to the Vista Care Family Hospice, 611 N. Canal St., Carlsbad, New Mexico 88220, would be greatly appreciated. Their compassion and care for Tom was the only thing that brought him peace in his final days. Without their help and support his quality of life would not have been as good as it was and his final moments would have been spent in agony and despair. We are especially grateful for their compassion and kindness. Without the staff at Vista Care she would not have been able to care for Tom all of those weeks alone at home. There are no words that can convey the family’s appreciation for all that Vista Care nurses, doctors and staff did for him. We would like to honor his memory by helping other families in need through Vista Care Family Hospice.

Coming Home

loup
21 June 2002

Daddy died this afternoon. I called LK and told him I wanted to come home. I don’t want to be here anymore. Carlsbad was never where I wanted to be and with mom and dad both dead now .. I don’t think I could stand to live in this town. There are NO good memories for me here. I am going to sell the house and move back to Virginia. Life is too short and I want to spend all of the time I can with LK.

I know it sounds crazy, this house is paid for and we could stay here and get safe jobs and eek out a life but Mamma and Daddy taught me that life should not be spend wondering IF ONLY.

Guilt

loup
20 June 2002

There is a special place for people who fight cancer. I can’t think of another disease that kills the body and the spirit. Not just of the patient but their loved ones. It eats away at us all. I am feeling so guilty that Daddy had to go back into the hospital. I am afraid I won’t be able to give him the end at home that he wanted. I am exhausted and sleeping through the every hour dosing and that puts him in more pain. I am alone out here in the desert. Hospice has been amazing but so much of it is on me. I don’t want to let him down but I can’t let him suffer either.

Cancer Sucks

loup
28 April 2002

Well I am out in NM once again — this time for good I think. Dad was diagnosed last week with terminal metastatic bladder cancer. Stage 4. I think he has been sick a long time. I can remember before LKs last deployment (well over a year ago) I told him that dad looked like he was just full of cancer. I guess I knew more than I thought. I hate it when I am right. He is taking it well. I am sure he has known a long time as well. I just can’t understand how it went undetected for SO LONG and the VA in NM picked it up on his routine transfer physical. Fucking VA doctors in Virginia didn’t want to bother with him I guess. What can I expect — I mean these are the same people that LOSE living patients and find them dead on the property weeks later. LK has to head back in few days then I will be here all alone. The hospice has been great and dad’s brothers are coming out. But they probably won’t stay long. I just hope I can continue to be strong for daddy. He deserves it.

Animals

loup
19 March 2002

I live in an area where animals are treated with very little concern by most. They are property, they are tools, they are food. My thoughts on this one … those people are small minded assholes. Treating animals poorly simply because you CAN denotes a lack of self-respect. The same people who think it is okay to beat someone nearly to death because they are different and because they can. Gotta love those kinda people. I work with a rescue and we get all kinds of people who think they are good, decent people trying to dump their animals off on us. Reasons I’ve heard for having to get rid of pets: “he barks, he digs, he isn’t housebroken, he sheds, she got pregnant, she is too old, she chases the cat, she won’t stay in my unfenced yard, the kids wanted him but they don’t take care of him, she is my husbands dog and he’s out to sea (big excuse in the navy apparently), we got a new puppy, he got so big, I’m going to have a baybee.” For all of you morons who got any animal without doing a little research on what it takes to have animals in your life. Get together with the gold-diggin’ girlfriends from above rant and jump off the bridge together. You are NOT a NICE person if you abandon your animal. No they won’t make it in the woods, no a nice person won’t save it and take it home, no they won’t find a great family in the shelter, they will most likely DIE. And die they will – a horrible death. Starve to death, hit by vehicle, poisoned, killed by wild animals, confused and scared in a strange shelter surrounded by cold metal and noises they don’t understand while they wait their turn to die. Yeah go ahead and lie to yourself, you did the right thing. Fucking loser. Don’t even begin to think anyone who has half of a clue feels sorry for you either. I don’t. I hate you and people like you. Ask anyone who has been in rescue. You’re not good people, not by a long shot.