I was lying in the hospital bed, with my husband at my side, not sure of what to expect that day and I was asked “How do you FEEL inside about all of this?”.
Confusion, Anger, Fear, Pain, Contempt and I felt lucky, I felt peace, and I felt wonderment. The first emotions are pretty self explanatory. Not sure why it happened, angry because it happened, afraid of what’s to come, the physical pain, and contempt for all of the crack head whore mothers who have healthy happy babies every day while taking my prenatal vitamins, drinking all the water, milk and juice that I could stand, and doing everything that could POSSIBLY better my health for this baby still lost him.
But at the same time I felt blessed and lucky for having the chance to feel his movements, talk to him, hear his heartbeat and see him in the UltraSound I had a dream when I was in the hospital under observation it was very scary, and very disturbing but it brought me peace … and a few days later all the worry was over, it was all over.
The wonderment took me by surprise. On the way to the hospital for the final act I saw the sun rise. The purples, and pinks, the way there was this amazing gift of Nature, right smack dab in the middle of the worst day in my life.
Michael was wonderful that day as well and I will NEVER be able to explain the love that has grown between us in such a short period of time. He was brought back from deployment and he stood by me, read to me, held my hand, comforted me, he was the only thing that got me through it all. I was right all along I can handle ANYTHING as long as he is there with me.
This baby will always have a part of my soul, and will always be in my heart. Only I can know what it was like and only I know when and how to let go. I only know that he had his place in the Circle of Life, and his time was short but his impact was great and Mommy & Daddy will always love him and he will always be a part of us.
I wanted to thank all of our family and friends for their support, love and understanding in all of this … I was really taken by surprise by the love shown to me from my friends, it never ceases to amaze me how close you get to those you never see IRL, I suppose that it shouldn’t, because after all that is how LK and I met! *smiles*