Computer Blue

loup
16 July 2018

I envy computers. You can delete a file completely. There is nothing left of the file so when you try to retrieve it – nothing – it does not exist. You won’t accidentally stumble upon the file, and thus ruining your day.

 

I wish I could cut memories out of my brain like a computer file. Just gone, nothing, zip, zilch, nada.

My Intrusive Thoughts.

loup
24 January 2018

Yesterday was a stressful fuck. First a dental cleaning – not a big deal in the scheme of things but I hate it none the less. After the cleaning, I was told that I needed a crown.

Three hours later I am having my right tit smushed in between two plates. Apparently, the mammogram I had the week prior has a spot they wanted to revisit.

So 3 more squishes then I am sent off to the ultrasound tech – 10 minutes of imaging the ill offending tit – then 20 minutes to see if the doc approves or needs more – another 10 minutes of goopy awkward massage – another 15 min wait then I am released.

Cancer, not cancer – nothing – something. Don’t know yet. But the intrusive thoughts are all over me today.

——

Yep, 45 is a nice age to die at. I can still say the majority of my life was fun and interesting. I am not 99 lying in a bug-infested urine caked bed – alone – waiting to die.

He is miserable – he would be better off. He doesn’t need me. He has a better time when I am away.
I would be doing him a favor – he could go be with someone or someones that make him happy. I don’t.

Life is unfair and you didn’t win the lotto but you know a good thing and you know when that good thing is over.

——

This is the kind of fucked up shit that ebbs and flows in my brain. All day every day. Sometimes I am able to shush them. I am able to count to 4 all day and drown out the noise. The thoughts. There are some that have clever names for their thoughts. You’ve seen the movies — the one who is only there for the anti-hero to see.

Mr. Brooks had Marshall
Elwood had Harvey
Dexter has his Dark Passenger
and of course, Dr. Jekyl had Mr. Hyde

*for another post – HOLLYWOOD: why do men with these problems get made into quaint men that you can have a drink or a laugh with – where are the women??

I have no cutesy name for my thoughts. I don’t see a person in a rearview mirror talking me into a bad decision or out of a good one. I am not sure if I should make an effort to see these thoughts as someone else. A bully, a fucking bully with the key to my brain.

Moments when I embrace the thoughts – then discard them because they are shitty ideas I feel powerful.
Moments when the best I can do is to continually count to 4 to talk OVER that shit well – those moments are just my life.
Moments when I sit and nod and think yeah it is time. I’ve caused enough pain to people I love and myself. I need to go … that is when I should write.

speak up – speak out

loup
6 January 2018

I can certainly understand the fear that comes with traumatic events at the hands of people who seem to have some “control” in your life. We all have things that have happened to us, to our loved ones and we continue to sit on these secrets.

We spend so much energy trying to be safe and quiet, and the trouble with that is it leaves others vulnerable to harm.

We are taught very early one in our young lives that someone that tattles was not worthy of listening to, they exaggerate and over-react.

As an army brat, I can tell you a lot of children and spouses tried to wear their parents rank as if it were there own. In the 3rd grade, a little boy tormented me on the bus. I told my mom after three days. I told Mamma what was going on. Her advice was simple – “the next time that little shit raises his hand you – knock him onto his ass,” – so I did.

We ended up in a meeting with the boy in his father’s office – with the boy and his parents – the base commander, and his mother. My dad was out on maneuvers otherwise he would have been there too. Mamma and I sat patiently listening to the bold accusations and threats. They were going to take my dad’s rank; they were going to ship us back stateside, they were going to file formal charges and have me remanded to a “HOME” for problem children. It went on like this for a while. “What you have to say for yourself?”

My mother was a bit of an enigma to most people. She would go out of her way to help a person in need even if it meant going without herself. However, bring harm to those in her care, and she would become a terrifying force of nature that you did not want to see again.

After the collection of ass-clowns picked their jaws off the floor, we headed out and down the stairs. Mamma stopped me and said “Never be afraid to tell someone when you are hurt, you may not be the only one, and it is up to you to speak out. It gives others strength to hear that it has happened to others like them. There are always going to be people who think they are more significant than others and they abuse their positions. Never just let it go.”

There is so much truth in that 3rd-grade exchange that I never forgot it, and I live by it today still.

I realize it can be scary; you think you may not have a job if you speak out – you may fear violent retributions. But I promise you, the pain you suffer now will only increase as you hear stories just like yours – and you will wonder WHAT IF? for the rest of your list.

Pain is a part of life – it just is. Suffering is optional. Take that hate, that anger, and that fear and do something with it. Create a movement, purge it out of your system with art and words but never stay silent.

Home Sweet Home

loup
7 February 2016

Hi all – just an update to let you know I am HOME. I was released from hospital yesterday. I wanted to thank everyone for the cards, flowers and thoughtful gifts. It was a rough week to be away from my babies and Michael. I had the best room in the hospital. No joke, it was a suite and every staff member that came commented on it. I had a fridge, a view of Dallas skyline, ROOM SERVICE style meals instead of a plate of whatever / whenever. I think I gained 5 lbs. None of that would have mattered if the nurses and staff were not STELLAR.
If you need anything and you are in the Plano Texas area — The Medical Center of Plano should be your go to.

The staff at ER at Burleson also impressed the hell out of me. Was in and out in record time for ER and Dr. Singhal was quick to get me to a hand surgeon. Not only did he get me to a hand surgeon – I feel like he got me the BEST. Dr. Steven Clark was AMAZING. He explained everything, sometimes twice thanks to pain meds. I have regained much of the use of my middle finger. But, those who know me know that if I HAD to lose the ability to bend any finger — the MIDDLE FINGER is the one.

I can’t thank David & Brenda Bott enough for taking such good care of my babies while Michael sat with me in the hospital. You guys are the best!

If you want to see pictures, leave a comment. I will get Michael to post some album or something. I don’t want to see them — Dr. Clark used words like FILET THE FINGER … I don’t need to see that.

Love to you all!! Now I am of going to have a CUPPA and binge on some Scandal!!

Brittany Maynard

loup
10 October 2014

Watching my Daddy suffer from the pain from Cancer at the end of his life haunts me. We were never able to get ahead of the pain and give him a restful sleep or a peaceful death. Your life is your own and you should have the right to let go on your own terms without fear of your loved ones being charged and arrested with assisting your death. You should never have to uproot your family and move to a state that understands that death is a personal choice and being in immeasurable pain when there is no relief but a miserable death is completely uncalled for.

Please send Brittany Maynard a thank you note for taking a stand and making her choice heard so that others who do not comprehend what this kind of choice really means.

Michael and I support Brittany and her family and we send her thoughts of comfort and love.