Too Quiet

28 July 2009

I have been sort of twisting in the wind lately. A lot of doctors appointments and a lot of pain. Having multiple teeth extracted (the hard way – with a simple local). I am hoping nothing pushes my nerve block back again. I am in desperation here to get the hip pain to back off.

I read a few articles last night and this morning about fibromyalgia and how it basically kills off bits of your brain. They call it “Fibro Fog” and thought it was just from lack of sleep but it really is brain cells dying. Lovely. One doctor said from what he has seen and studied so far it is like mini-alzheimer’s …. something else my therapist and I will be discussing.

Pain levels have been through the roof and I am changing meds so my whole life has been thrown off track.

“I picked a bad week to quick sniffing glue.”

P.S. I still hate Michael Vick — I was hoping some big ass murderer who has a soft spot for animals would have shanked him. No such luck.

True Enough

22 March 2009

I am learning to slow down and enjoy my own pace.
I am appreciating the people around me more these days.
I can see the effects of gravity on my body, no matter how much I exercise or watch what I eat – aging is upon me.
The lines on my face are indicative of my life story, and I am learning to appreciate them.
I am listening more to my “inner voices”, rather than taking care of everyone else.
As I mature, I seem to be gaining a sense of inner peace.
I am moving away from frantically meeting others’ expectations and developing my own priorities.
My intimate relationships are complicated and changing.
I am wondering whether all of what I am involved in makes sense.

I found this somewhere online – I saved it — I came across it again today. I am trying to live for me and keep away from feeling sorry for myself because of all of the things my health prevents me from doing and look toward the things I can still do.


4 March 2009

I was told by my diagnosing doctor, as if it were some reason to jump up and down with joy, that Fibromyalgia was not progressive and it is not fatal.

I think my doctor was full of shit on the first part. If it isn’t progressive why for the last 3 years have my episodes gotten worse and lasted longer than one before?

I think what bothers me the most is that the Arthritis Foundation says that Fibromyalgia is the 2nd most diagnosed form of Arthritis – yet no one really knows about it. Even the specialists don’t know that much.

I feel like I have been plowed over by a Mack truck on a daily basis, and my muscles and brain function are so off kilter it feels like I am swimming in pudding. I don’t “look” sick – but I am. I am disabled. I can not work because while I hurt all of the time enough to keep me from working – it gets worse. There are days I can not get out of bed. There are days I can get out of bed but I can’t remember how to spell my own name for the brain fog. It is sad and it upsets me that I am young and this shit has destroyed who I was.

Fibromyalgia has stolen so much from me. And yet it has given so much to me.

I now know the side effects of every pain med, SSRI, SSNI, and NSAID on the market. I know which foods will send me running to the bathroom and which scents, cleaners and other seemingly harmless products “everyone” uses in daily life will make my day miserable. I learn new and exciting ways to get down stairs or into a pick up truck without sending pain throughout my body – unfortunately I usually look like some crazed goof doing it.

Most of the people I know don’t have a reference of what it is even like – remotely. There are few shining souls that show me compassion and empathy without understanding. And unfortunately there are a few that even have Fibro – so they know first hand. It makes me sad that people I love have to suffer like this. I wouldn’t wish this shit on my worst enemy. Well, maybe a few of them. = )

If you are reading this – I will ask you this. Take a brief moment and look up a little information about Fibromyalgia. If you know someone with Fibro – don’t treat them like outcasts or act like they are just being silly or making anything up. It is real, it hurts and it is terribly hard to function with this crap on a good day much less a bad flare day. Show a little patience.


* a great site – with an even better theory/explanation to those who don’t have fibro ..