Chronic Illogical

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First of all, welcome. Second, since you’re going to ask, “Why Chronic Illogical?” Chronic Illogical because there is NOTHING logical about chronic illness.

Over the years, I’ve claimed that I don’t care what people think, and for the most part, that is true. But, the terror I felt when the prospect of sharing anything about life inside my body and mind kept me from really testing any boundaries I had.

Two things happened recently that gave me a reason and the courage to jump right into the deep end. I am hoping that letting go of the heavy shit that has dragged me down over the years will give me a chance to swim.

The first thing – I found a great therapist, and I have been working on me in earnest for the first time in a long time.

The second thing – I saw a sky so dark, so pure and so full of wonder that it made me feel small and insignificant.

The number of lives remembered past 100 years after their death is infinitesimally small. Those stories are gone forever. It would be a sad prospect, but I see now that their lives were no less worthy because their account has been lost to time, which led me to this. There are over 7.5 BILLION people on this planet, and because I have not heard their story doesn’t mean it is less valid than mine. Empathizing with over 7 billion people and their right to do with their lives as they see fit brought me face to face with my story.

People have every right to the journey they choose, and they can share or hold back as they see fit without the fear of failure and judgment, then so do I. It isn’t my job to keep my story secret to keep people who participated in it happy.
It isn’t my job to worry about what others may think. It isn’t any of my business how people feel about me. I am worth more than my fears led me to believe. So, here I am. Putting myself out here is terrifying, but I am not going to let anxiety take any more away from me.

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I don’t want to minimize my traumas and chronic illness by listing them all in a bullet list. But, I also feel the need to help any visitors to avoid being blindsided by expectations.

I want to cover my life with chronic illness, both the physical and the mental. I have suffered from depression, thoughts/attempts of suicide, fibromyalgia, childhood abuse (sexual, mental, and physical), and honestly, I am sure I forgot something. But, the takeaway should be that visitors should expect anything.

I have found comfort in the chaos of others. It helps to know we aren’t alone, and even though this is my story – if sharing it brings you something of value, that’s good too.