i am

Posted on March 22nd, 2009 by loup.
Categories: .

I will give you FAIR WARNING right now – I speak my mind, using “colorful” language (that means I fucking cuss) and with little pause between the thought and the tongue and if you can not handle that I suggest you seek elsewhere for whatever it is that you are looking for.  I can piss people off in record time, this I know from experience.  I make no apologies for how I live my life, because after all I am the ONLY one I have to blame at the end of the day for how I sleep at night.  I am my own person I do not need the usual suspects to define me.  I am for better, for worse … LOUP.

I am happily married – that isn’t to say that we are all warm and fuzzy all of the time – who needs that shit.  But I wouldn’t trade him in for anything.  He is my soul mate. He is my best friend and my favorite person.  I can tell him anything and he isn’t going to judge me or walk away.  There is trust there is love and above all there is friendship.

My home is run for the comfort, security and convenience of the dogs — they are better than kids.  They don’t ask for money, they won’t wreck my car and they don’t usually talk back.  My life has been spent in the service of animals and I would be lost without them in my life.  If I didn’t have critters around me it would be like someone lopped off an arm or a leg.  They mean that much to me.  If you know me at all you already know that not only would I choose to save my dog over a human stranger in peril.  There really is no CHOICE – it would be an instant reaction.  I would knock that sum-bitch down to get to my baby girls.  I believe in animal welfare and I believe that humans have proven time and time again that their lives are worth very little.  Humans are not better than any other creature – in fact when was the last time your dog cheated on you and cleaned out your bank account – and dare I say that your cat isn’t doing time for robbing a liquor store … ever heard of a gang-banging parrot??  You get what I’m saying.

My nephew has Autism. It is neurological.  It affects his ability to socialize and communicate with others.  It impacts his life and the life of his family in a way many can’t comprehend.  Liam is a smart kid, actually he is fuckin’ brilliant and he has understanding of how the world works.  Just because he is more social that the textbook definition there are people that are trying to deny him access to the tools to make his education and life easier.  It infuriates me that in this country a child can still be denied his right to an education and there is little to do about it.  I have been with his parents to meetings and talked with specialists – we aren’t going to give up on Liam. You just know you have an uphill battle before you when the director of special education says there is no such thing as “high  functioning autism – you either have it or you don’t.” Yah – it is beyond frustrating.

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in early 2005 after years of countless doctors telling me it was in my head and if I would just get off of the couch I would be better. I even had one doctor tell me “You can’t hurt EVERYWHERE … pick a spot!” I now have some pretty kick ass docs on my side who know I am not crazy and it isn’t just in my head. Fibro is a painful and debilitating thing. My life will never be the same. There isn’t a cure and there is very little empathy or understanding from people who don’t suffer with it.

I am a shutter bug. My mother is to blame for that. I love to take pictures. I’ve never taken a class and I am sure it shows. But I like to shoot what I see and how it makes me feel.

I am a life long student. I think the day you stop learning new things is the day it is really over. I am going back to college and even when I am not in school I love to learn new things. One thing I don’t want to really learn about is technology. It doesn’t hold my attention, it changes too fast and while I know enough to survive in this digital age – it doesn’t make me happy. Teach me how to spin yarn, sculpt something out of clay, dig for gemstones – I am there. Though I wouldn’t give up my easy access to the internet and friends – I don’t really enjoy technology. Actually anything that plugs into a socket and makes whirring sounds I don’t enjoy. It is part of the fibro I think – all of the little sounds the many ignore sound like a 3rd grade orchestra trying to tune their instruments all at the same time and all in my head. It is torture.

My parents died in 2002. I still miss them terribly. I will never be the same person I was while they were alive. Having to make choices and watch the two people who love you the most and have been there for you slip away and there is nothing you can do about it – it changes it. I was 29. Mamma just turned 55 a month before she died and my Daddy was just days away from his 59th birthday. It broke my heart, it shattered my soul. I will never recover from it. I am and will always be their daughter.

Aside from my parents – my daddy wasn’t my DNAdaddy either – there are very few people that I am genetically linked to that get along with. The few people I do enjoy – I just love with all of my heart. They are fantastic people and I don’t consider them cousin, or cousin’s husband – I think of them more as siblings.

Remember things are not always what they seem. Sometimes because you look a certain way or live in a certain part of town doesn’t make you any better or worse, just different, so don’t judge!

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