It is true. Youth is wasted on the young.
I wouldn’t trade all I know now for being 19 again. Though I would tell my 19 y/o self to MOISTURIZE more.
20 Jan39
07 NovSchool Daze
I am going back to school to learn a trade. Something with earning potential. Something I can take on the road and work from home with. I am tired of being in one spot. I am tired of looking out my window and seeing neighbors.
It has been quite some time since I have been in any kind of classroom situation so I am a little nervous. Classes start 9 January – I have some time to get ready.
I just hope I am making the right choice. I’ve always dreamed of getting paid for doing what I love but that hasn’t worked out yet so I’m on to the next one. I can still do what I love, I just wanna get paid.
08 OctThese Dreams
Last night I had a disturbing dream.
I met Sidney Crosby and we hit it off – and he starts calling me on the phone and he tells me “I can’t stop thinking about you. You are all I see when I close my eyes.”
Disturbing part – I reject him.
WHAT THE HELL!?
I tell him that I adore him as a person but I love my husband and I just don’t think of him in that way (which btw is mostly true – I see Sid more as a little brother/son type figure than sex symbol) but it was a DREAM I could have lived a little.
Also in the dream I met Brent Johnson and he was an asshole. Something is clearly wrong with me.
20 SepThe Wall
In 2009 (before they went on to win the Stanley Cup) Cheryl kindly introduced me to Penguins Hockey and Sidney Crosby. For that gift I can never thank her enough. During the 2009-10 season I discovered Brent Johnson as back up goaltender for the PENS.
For those of you unfamiliar with Johnny’s work – check this out. Brent Johnson Save (Yes I was at that game – Center Ice behind the PENS bench.
See I told you .. any who back to Johnny.
Later that season Brent Johnson made headlines from his one punch KO on goaltender Rick DiPietro of the NY Islanders. Then 9 days later got into another fight with NY Islander Michael Haley in the epic 90 minute long brawl that was the PENS @ Islanders 11 February 2011 match up. Johnny is officially a BAMF.
But before his NHL12 video game nod for the achievement “Goalie Fight” I knew Beej to be a BAMF in the crease. If you don’t believe me … watch this. Brent Johnson Tribute
This season I have my own Brent Johnson Tribute —
So this season show Johnny some love cause he deserves it … Ramble On Johnny … Ramble On.
05 AugJust a Dog
Just a Dog : Author Unknown
“From time to time, people tell me, “lighten up, it’s just a dog”, or, “that’s a lot of money for just a dog”. They don’t understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for “just a dog”. Some of my proudest moments have come about with “just a dog”. Many hours have passed and my only company was “just a dog”, but I did not once feel slighted. Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by “just a dog” and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of “just a dog” gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day. If you, too, think it’s “just a dog”, then you will probably understand phases like “just a friend”, “just a sunrise”, or “just a promise”. “Just a dog” brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. “Just a dog” brings out the compassion and patience that makes me a better person. Because of “just a dog” I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future. So for me and folks like me, it’s not “just a dog” but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment. “Just a dog” brings out what’s good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day. I hope that someday they can understand that it’s not “just a dog” but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being “just a man/woman.” So the next time you hear the phrase “just a dog”, just smile, because they “just don’t understand”.”
02 AugKorkie Update
We saw the surgeon today for the last recheck and it all went well. Korkie is healing up nicely and the stitches can come out on Friday. They did another laser treatment on her incision site and another one on Friday.
The other day she started to perk up and play with her toys and get super excited about food again. So I am hopeful.
As for the cancer – we go back in 3 months for xrays to see if it has spread and a rectal exam to make sure another mass hasn’t formed. So for now it is life as usual. With lots of extra hugs and cuddles. I don’t know how much longer I have my girl for. Could be months, could be years. But I know that as long as she is comfortable and happy I will do what it takes to keep her that way.
30 JulCancer
Korkie has had the worst luck since her surgery to remove the mass. Infection set in, antibiotics weren’t doing much good. She has been poked and prodded so much this last week it has left me in tatters. Yesterday during a recheck with the surgeon we got the results back from the Histopathology report. It’s cancer. Adenocarinoma of the Anal Glands.
We were told before the surgery that the best guess was cancer and by looks of the second set of xrays it looked like it had spread to her lymph nodes already.
All along the vets have said this is a slow moving cancer and it could be that old age takes her away from us before the cancer gets a chance.
The thing is before all of this I could pretend she wasn’t 13 and the time I’ve had with her was not greater than the time to come. It was easy. I am queen of denial after all. But this … this shit. It has me torn apart.
What you may not know about my relationship with Korkie is that she has been the ONE constant in my life. When my husband was on deployments and gone for 100s of days at a time – she was there. When my only pregnancy ended horribly and I was sent home after hours of labor with nothing I held Korkie and cried and she just let me hold her. When my mom had the stroke and my husband was in Kentucky for his grandfather’s funeral – she was there. When my mom died, when my Daddy was told he had cancer and to go home to die — when he died a few weeks later. Korkie was there. She was there for good stuff too.
Once when I was seriously depressed and had thoughts of suicide to the point of planning out the letter and getting things ready to go through with it. I realized that my parents were hours away and it could be days before my body was discovered and at that point I stopped because I didn’t have anyone near me that I trusted to take care of Korkie. She saved my life that night.
So you see she has been my rock, and the thought of her absence tears me up inside. I feel alone right now because no one seems to get how much this girl means to me and my well being. It is killing me.
But for now the best I can do is be strong for her and cuddle lots.
FUCK CANCER.
23 JulSpotify
I am digging this … grab music online, listen to your music – I have the premium account so I can listen on my puter or my phone – it is pretty nifty.
If you are on Spotify – hit me up.
*EDIT*
I cancelled my Spotify account as soon as I found out they partnered with Facebook and were making it so you HAD to have a FB account to use Spotify. I left FB end of Sept 2011 and went with Google+ full time (and the twitter) – Facebook is evil.
18 JulKorkie
The girls had their dentals done last week and while they were under the vet expressed their anal glands. She found a mass on Korkie. In her left anal gland. The mass is approximately 1.5 x 2 cm.
She has to have surgery to remove it. We spent a few days talking it over. Going over the pros and cons. Her age came up quite often. My Kita Beeta is 13 years old. Putting her under anesthetic for the dental was stressful enough for me. I can’t imagine how stressed I am going to be when she is under for this surgery.
We decided to put her through it because 13 is up there but she still acts like a puppy and she has no other issues. The chest x-ray was clear so whatever this mass is – it hasn’t spread. And if we let it alone and it isn’t Cancer it could continue to grow and cause he problems with bowel movements. So while she had health on her side we are taking the chance and trusting in a surgeon to take care of this issue.
Meanwhile, I worry. It is in my genes. It is what I do. But as I worry I am taking more time with her and Cinder. I am appreciating them even more, if that is even possible. If you know me and you are here reading this so chances are you do, you know how precious my dogs are to me. They are such a HUGE part of my life. They have saved my life a few times. I owe them everything. So we are taking no chances with Korkie.
As I type this I glance over and watch Korkie sleep on her Tempurpedic dog bed. Her chest rising and falling with every breath – it is a gift. And I am grateful.
23 MayFibro Follies
Since January my back and left leg has been acting up. I thought it was on the way out for a while then I started physical therapy. Mistake. After each session the pain got worse. Break through pain sending me into the fetal position crying out. It has been a rough patch for sure.
I had x-rays done at the chiropractor last week and while he can see wear and tear thanks to my age and weight there isn’t anything major showing on the films. The sessions have been helpful but over the weekend the break through pain has returned.
I have an appointment at the UNC pain clinic (moving from Duke) this week but it is just a consult. So I doubt they are going to have anything to say about the pain or a treatment plan until after we get back from our RV trip in June. But I am hopeful that I can get back in before we leave. Just not holding my breath.
For some reason this pain is causing me more anxiety than usual. I am curbing my habits and saying no to things that I would most likely otherwise do because of fear. It hurts that bad. I am afraid of the pain.
Living with fibromyalgia I have become intimate with pain. I don’t know why this is different. I honestly think I have just been on edge since the surgery. I don’t know why. It is something I chose to do to myself, for myself. But with the surgery and especially the lifestyle after the surgery is filled with anxiousness.
So as I learn to live my new life I am trying to let go of some of this anxiety – I can’t get rid of the worry gene that I was born with (thank Mamma) but I can try to get it under control.
That’s my journey.